Missing limbs, litigation and other reasons to carry on smoking.
Ok, first things fucking first. Smoking IS cool, it’s definitely clever and every time I lit a cigarette during my celebrated and successful nicotine career I looked exactly like James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause. For all you non smokers these are the cold hard facts! The problem now is I’ve forced myself to join the ranks of the self-righteous and health conscious at the expense of my illustrious image and have demoted myself to the position of concerned citizen. The world is a very different place now. Mornings used to consist of strong coffee and that first, and quite frankly sexual, cigarette of the day enjoyed whilst stood in the garden feeling completely invincible. Now it consists of stronger coffee and longing looks out of the backdoor at hallucinations of the tar-powered superhero I used to be. I can see him stood there with his weapon of coolness, ready to quash the naysayers with a swift puff of indignation before riding off into the sunset on a nicotine-fuelled motorcycle. I miss him.
It has been said that quitting smoking can be as emotionally trying as breaking up with a loved one. For some this may be true. I feel, however, that this may be a vast and gross understatement. For me it’s like losing a limb and not a crap one either, like your left leg, but a good one, like your head. Yes! There you go, quitting smoking is exactly like losing your whole head. I might as well have lost it. I’ve caught myself wandering around aimlessly bumping into things as I can’t muster up enough enthusiasm to lift my head and look upon the smoke-free, fun-free and point-free world the rest of you inhabit and if I do my smoke starved body can’t hold the weight of my own head. So it just hangs there, limp and lifeless like a dying koala bear, until it eventually withers and finally, in a last act of defiance, drops to the floor and dies full of despair and unrealised dreams. See? Just like losing your head.
I’ve always considered myself extremely lucky to have a job and please understand that I’m not bemoaning my employment status. I spent too long unemployed too whinge about that although admittedly I relieved the pain by smoking. Work, however, would never be my first choice of places to be and one of the ways in which I remedied this was to periodically take myself outside to enjoy a cigarette and away from the company of others. This is in no way a detrimental comment on their character but more of mine. I needed that time to reset my rising intolerance levels back to zero so the days could pass without major incident. People and I have always had a fractious relationship and this character flaw of mine is never more pronounced than in the work place. It is here that cigarettes always saved me.
Oh you’ve lost all my work? No worries, just popping out.
Oh you’re going to hum inaudible tunes the whole time you’re working? Not an issue, back in a mo.
Oh you’re going to eat your packed lunch in the wrong order (sandwiches always come FIRST!)? I might need a bit more time with that one but hey ho, it’s smoking time.
I think my main issue is my personal view of smoking as a lifestyle choice. Realistically it goes way beyond image. The problem is that smoking is a seriously nice thing to do and this will never be understood by the non smokers which may be why everyone who’s ever had the common decency to light up and look cool fucking hates them. I’m living my own personal dilemma here, as I will eternally have full sympathy for those of a nicotine-based disadvantage whilst trying to be devoid of the inherent annoyingness of a non-smoker.
So what do I have as a substitute? Well, I’ve had to go for some nicotine replacement therapies as I’m really not strong enough so have ended up with these inhalator type things and boy do I still look cool. Yes they are giving me the nicotine that I need but they just don’t look or feel right. They look like what I think may happen if you gave a child a handful of white Play-Doh and asked them to sculpt you a tampon.
Looking at things this way almost makes me feel like I’m weaker for quitting as I’ve given in to the masses. They’ve managed to ban smoking in all pubs and generally anywhere indoors and soon they’ll ban it outdoors as well just in case the clouds get cancer or whatever bullshit excuse they can come up with. I think that somebody should ban not smoking. At least then if I fail I’ve got some litigation to throw behind my pitiful excuse. Just like a good non-smoker.
Phil Watson
dampcardigan 